Monday, July 11, 2011

Lesson #14: We Will Visit the WalMart Restroom. Every Time.

Lesson #14: We Will Visit the Walmart Restroom. Every Time.

I swear, WalMart has freaky voodoo powers that cause young children to either act like psychos or have to go potty while trapped within its walls. I hate going to the place too but it doesn't make me crap my pants. Sheesh.

The first time we took my son to the bathroom there, he was totally freaked by the huge toilets that emit  roaring flushes at random intervals, and wouldn't go. Of course, five minutes later he swore he had to go and promised that he would try. No go. Five minutes after that it was Pooey Lewis and the Ewws in the underpants. Shoulda figured. Luckily (I guess) he was still wearing Pull Ups whenever we ventured to a public place then. Unlucky for everyone that we forgot The Bag at home and had nothing to wipe him with or change him into. Yay for the Parent of the Year award I am sure to be receiving soon.

Last week my sister in law and nephew visited from the left coast. One day hubby and SIL decided they needed to stop at Walmart and look at covers for the new iPod Touch that SIL and BIL had gotten us for our anniversary (do I have the best in laws or what). They had my older son and nephew with them, and sure enough, the Poo Voodoo struck again. My husband came home and announced grimly that my son had pooped his pants at Walmart, then went on to say that he'd forgotten The Bag at home and once again had nothing to wipe the child with or change him into. He wears underwear all the time now, so I had a feeling I knew where this story was going. I feigned horror and said, "Ohmigod what did you do?" He replied, "We went back out into the store, I bought some new underwear and threw out the old ones." Yep, just as I suspected. What he didn't purchase, however, were wipes... Hm. Ew.

Since having two kids we've found that grocery shopping is much more easily done with two adults: either one kid in each cart or one adult at home with two kids while the other shops. Yesterday we were loading up the ole family truckster to head out to Wally World (you see what I just did there?) to get groceries when hubby, clearly pleased with himself, held up The Bag, declaring, "Better not forget this!" He's such a smarty pants. Sure enough, about ten minutes into the grocery run, my 3 year old had to go potty. "You're taking him this time!" hubby called out as he snatched the list and raced off with the baby.

Lucky for me, homeboy hadn't poo'd this time, he just had to do numero uno. I thought about taking him into the handicapped stall so we'd have a little more space but the toilets are sometimes taller and I didn't want him to totally freak so we squeezed into a regular stall.  The problem with this is that you really can't help a kid get his pants down without your booty hanging out under the stall door. Awesome. At least I wasn't wearing a skirt. Why do they have to make those things so dang tiny anyway?

The next obstacle to overcome was the fact that the only place to stand as a potty spectator is directly in front of the toilet, which, as you know, is not in the safe zone when little boys are sitting down to pee. Of course, the toilet seats at Walmart, like many public restroom toilet seats, have an opening across the front. You might as well put a bulls eye on me.

I was trying to get him to do his thang as quickly as possible while touching as little as possible, when he started playing around with the door to the little metal receptacle for feminine trash, pushing it open and letting it slam shut.
The exchange that followed went something like this:
Him: What's this Mommy?
Me: Don't touch that!
Him: Why?
Me: Because it has germs.
Him: But what is it?
Me: It's a little garbage can.
Him: Why?
Me: Ok let's get your pants back up now, the toilet's going to flush!

And, of course, it did. It's never pleasant having your face a foot away from an automatic flusher in a public restroom. I don't care if it sprays or not, it's just gross.

Along with learning that we WILL be sojourning to the Walmart restroom on every visit, I think we've also learned these important lessons as well:
1. Don't forget The Bag.
2. Don't wear a skirt.
3. Always push the cart carrying the baby.


  1. HAHAHAHAHA priceless Amanda!

  2. Hahahahahaha This one is my favorite :) "Always push the cart carrying the baby" :D

  3. As usual, I'm giggling like a maniac here...

  4. Laughing out loud here once again! The whole story was funny, but the last line really got me! hehe ;)