Saturday, November 9, 2013

Lesson #32: Did I Mention You Will Never Sleep Again?

I'm sure I've mentioned that my kids wake up long before dawn has even thought about cracking, no matter what time they go to bed. Every. Single. Day. I ever so naively thought that once they got a bit older I would at least be able to sleep through the night. One might think that with a 3 year old and an almost 6 year old, this would be an achievable dream. One would be incorrect.

Let's recap my week, shall we?

Early in the week, my older son came into our room around 1a.m. saying that he had a tummy ache. I had him climb into our bed to cuddle up for a bit. Wrong move. Not five minutes later he said, "Mommy my tummy really hurts! I think I'm gonna throw up!" I immediately leaped out of bed and threw on the lights, telling him to get up so we could get to the bathroom. Just as he sat up the dreaded heaves began.
I encouraged him frantically, "Come on buddy! Get up so we can get to the bathroom! Don't throw up on the---" Too late. We made it to the kitchen trash before the next round, and finally made our way to the bathroom. After some late night cleaning I camped out in the living room with him so we could be close to the bathroom, just in case. I should mention that we don't own a full sized couch, just two love seats. I'm not very tall but I'm juuuuust tall enough that I can't quite fit on the love seat. I "slept" (I use the term loosely) with my head on the arm rest and my legs alternately jacked up to my chin and hanging off the end. As if all this wasn't excitement enough, we were roused from sleep around 5:40 by the pungent aroma of our dog taking the mother of all dumps on the living room floor. Awesome. Oh, and the kicker? While I was in the shower later that morning, the boys turned off the bathroom lights and ran away, leaving me in pitch darkness. Fun times.

Fast forward to the next night. I was awake from 12:30-2:30 because my 5 year old's junk was "bothering!" I'm not exactly equipped to give advice on how to fix what has come to be known as Penis Problems, so I wasn't much help. Long story short, we made a couple trips to the bathroom and I finally ended up giving him some Children's Motrin, which apparently did the trick. In the morning I asked him how it was feeling. He said, "Great!" and that was the last I heard of it. The joys of raising boys are just endless.

Last night it was the 3 year old that had me stumbling through the darkness. "My blankets are wet!!!" Oh yay. Fun fact: If a Pull Up is on backwards you might as well have put the child to bed naked because it's going to absorb about as much pee as a cheap paper towel. Note to self: check his work when he dresses himself. About two hours later, he woke up crying again because he was cold. He alternated between screaming about wanting to wear jammies and screaming about not wanting jammies for about 5 minutes straight as I struggled to keep my eyes open and my sanity intact.

I said the other day that it will be great when they're teenagers and I can finally sleep in again. My dad quickly pointed out that I still won't sleep because I'll be up half the night waiting for them to get home.

I guess it really is true. Once you have children, you will never sleep again. Ever. I guess that's what they make coffee for. Coffee: Getting bleary eyed parents through the day since 1696.