Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Lesson #29: Look Before You Sit

They should totally make one of those Mayhem commercials that starts out, "I am that puddle of pee that keeps collecting in the porcelain at the base of your toilet." I swear, the last 5 years of my life have been dominated by other people's bodily waste. I thought when my oldest was potty trained things would get better, but now our bathroom just smells like pee all the time and I have to wipe out that little nook in the porcelain just about every time I go in there. I thought about convincing him that he should just keep sitting to pee, but along with the ridicule that would surely bring about later in life, it really wouldn't solve my problem either. Moms of boys are all familiar with the "pee through the crack" phenomenon. You think you're safe because he's sitting, when all of a sudden that eensy crack between the toilet seat and the toilet bowl becomes your worst enemy.

This is my life. Many of the lessons I've learned are really great examples of hindsight being 20/20. Foresight is apparently not my strong suit, as this lesson, learned the hard way, will clearly illustrate.

One evening a few weeks before Christmas, I headed into the ole lavatory and sat down to do business only to realize all too late that the seat was completely drenched in pee-ola. Ack! I quickly jumped up and wiped down the seat. I thought that was that until a little glisten caught my eye at the front of the toilet as well. Upon further inspection I discovered that along with the soaking wet seat and stream down the front, the entire toilet was also covered. And when I say entire toilet, I mean entire toilet. Seat, front, tank, sides-the entire thing. Co-vered in urine. Then my eyes panned out and I realized that there were rivulets of pee streaming down the wall, a moat of it on the floor, and the completely soaked toilet paper roll was the cherry on top. It was like a pee massacre in there. I swear I am keeping Lysol in business.

Cut to Christmas morning:
Santa had come, the tree lights were glowing, the children were laughing, and this Mama and Daddy-o were truly content, counting our blessings and reflecting on the joys in life. I took a quick potty break, and just after I had made use of the toilet paper, it registered that it had felt a little funny. I looked over at the roll-the last one in that package, judging from the empty toilet paper bag someone had left on the floor-and saw that part of it looked kind of wrinkly. Like maybe it had gotten wet and then dried. I took the roll off and inspected it, wondering what the heck was up. The paper was discolored in the area where it looked and felt funny. Colored a light brownish-yellow color. Yep. Guess some of the pee tsunami had landed in the TP package that fateful evening weeks prior. And I was the lucky winner that wiped with peed on TP. On Christmas morning. Awesome.

"I am that puddle of pee that keeps collecting in the porcelain at the base of your toilet. You may not see me but you'll smell me. And just when you think you've Lysol'd me out of existence, BAM! Urine it again."